HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BECKHAM! 😀
Okay, since young I have been dreaming about him as my hubby. Afterall, his wife and I share the same First name (; Hahaha I’m just kidding. He’s my idol. A successful soccer player, beautiful successful wife, gorgeous kids, a great dad… Their family seems so perfect!
I spent my past 2 days at Sembawang. Staying at W’s house without him felt really weird… The kind of ‘weird’ emptiness. I thought I can easily get through this 3 weeks but nay, I was wrong. It’s so hard. I can’t help feeling lonely most of the times. I’m not The sociable girls with many friends. I’m the stay-home girl, chill-on-the-couch-watching-dvds with a bowl of cereal and milk in seperate bowls… I can’t find any friends who can appreciate me as Me. Hence – Alone.
The only warmth I felt recently was when I got home (W’s), Sarah (W’s niece) didn’t realized I was home until I on the light and she just scream “VICTORIA JIEJIE!” and ran into my legs and hug me with a huge smile (: I haven’t got anything to look forward to for the past few weeks but when I got that response, I was looking forward to returning to W’s home, despite him not being around. It melted my heart, coming from a little girl who loves to play my iPad and do anything with me!
Then it came into my mind, that kids may be monstrous sometimes… But on your darkest days, the innocence of a child can make your day with just simple gestures, like what Sarah did! 😀 Just the thought of it now already puts a smile on my face.
Honestly, I never feel appreciated or any sense of importance in almost everything I do. I’m not very sociable and I don’t really know how to engage people around me. That’s how I learn how to ‘float’ around and blend into the walls of most of the people I meet in the recent years, especially in university. Not counting my rugby friends and my close clique friends… I’ve never felt so dried up/boring/unimportant in my school life. I thought maybe this is just a phase of life. School was always fun, interactive, exciting and happening for me! Maybe University is just meant to move fast and not capture anyone important.
However, it’s hard now that I think about it.
I am failing all the modules that has to do with Mathematics and Numbers. Can I actually survive school without friends? It sucks I’m not studying with my close friends. Why didn’t I pick business management or Mass Communication? Sometimes I think I’m an alien. Haha. I got no common topic, no common interest and no chemistry with anyone I met so far.
Hence, I decided to stick to me, my cereal bowl and I. The simple routine of going to school alone, sitting in lectures and going home alone without much communication. But having the other importance in my life away for so so long – something I always look forward to when I wake up and when I end school… It’s kinda hard. I try to keep myself busy by working and studying at the same time to kill time and kill thoughts. But when I’m walking home alone, such thoughts will come and invade my mind.
I like to stay home cos’ my family is one of the things I look forward to ending my activities and coming home. Wilson ALWAYS make me feel so important to him, and I know it’s true. I always look forward to seeing him, but now it’s different when he is away. My mom, she is my only friend whom I can talk to forever… and I really mean FOREVER. We talk about everything under the sun and we are really like friends. Cody, my dog will always make me feel so important whenever he waits for me at the gate so he can greet me when I’m home. I do talk to him everytime but I wished I could hear his replies in English. That’s why I’ve been looking forward to coming home after school/work. These are the only important people who make me feel important and like, if I don’t come home, they will be worried, feel sad and be affected. If only school could be as motivating as this. I can skip school and who gives a f***? Hah, nobody!
Thoughts of changing course are floating in my mind (if only I can convince dad)… and even further thoughts of moving to Aussie to study might sink in hard if my results are not good.
Le sigh. Will I ever survive with just My Cereal Bowl and I?