“Find a heart that will love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest.”
For a period of time now, I have been feeling very unsatisfied with myself and my life. I can’t seem to find what’s wrong with my life. I’d say I have got almost everything in life – Not talking about luxury life or high wealth status but y’know, I have all the basic necessity one life needs. I should be contented with my life and be happy about it. That’s the fact I know but it wasn’t what I felt inside me. I was not at rest.
“The grass is always greener on the other side.” Yeap, that was the devil tormenting my mind, trying to brain wash me by repeating that phrase everyday, every minute, every second. The life I led everyday used to be blissful, pleasing, satisfying and no complains… But slowly and surely, it led to unhappiness, not satisfying enough, everything became not good enough; even the one man I love in my life. I was confused for a while and it came to me as a shock when I started to feel that way. My Sailorboy, the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, my Angel I used to thank God for everyday, the everlasting love which I used to thank him for… My actions started to show, the slightest smallest thing puts me off, I was angsty most of the time and it was like having split personality when I was happy one moment and easily upset the next second.
Please don’t judge me for whatever I say. I started to question myself with thousands of silly questions whenever the little things put me off, “If this is the life I want for the rest of my days?” and when it comes to highest peak of my unhappiness, I ask if he is the one for me. I wondered for awhile… Wondering if everything happened too fast, if I was just blinded by the honeymoon period. I admit I did start to envy my single friends who had the freedom and fun they can have, not worrying about saving money for a house or a wedding. I started to compare my life with my single friends and think, why can’t I do this now? Why am I restricting myself when I am still so young? It really got me feeling vvv bitter about my life.
Obviously, I was oblivious to the “perfect” life I have, that others might wish they could steal from me.
All that questionings and unsettledness was put to an end tonight. I feel a sense of rest and calmness tonight. A little guilty for having to put my baby through all my torment and mess. (I’m sorry baby!) Having such self-realisation and reflecting on everything, I know what I really want now. That is everything that I have in my life now.
I want to continue being excited and to look forward to seeing that one and only person everyday after work/school. Waiting at home for you to return from work. Looking forward to every Friday Night Date which comes along with the excitement to wake up with you next to me on the Saturday morning that follows. Anticipating the day when you return from sailing or a nights’ duty. Planning for “Lazy Sunday” when we just stay home and cuddle in bed while watching funny shows, or even your chinese movies (although I don’t rly fancy them and end up dozing off halfway hehe). Having random childish wrestle and pretend to pout when I lose just so I can catch you off-guard and do a winning move. Not only focusing on the good things, but also, to go through the stress that you may have for our future. Suffering together and not alone, just so we can save money for a better future. Not forgetting surprising ourselves by going for a last-minute vacation; Pack bag, book ticket the night before and leave the day after! I do not want to stop thinking of different ways to surprise you; Breakfast for work, birthday surprises or sometimes there is no need for an occasion to surprise you! And we can nvv stop planning for our house-to-come, having serious conversations and end up laughing while we imagine how our lives will be like in that house. Oh, not forgetting the times when we try to compromise and knowing my personality, I die die want it my way :X You always give in to me and call yourself “Cody”. Haha. I never want to stop laughing and smiling at your silly doings, your smelly farts and your unstoppable burps. Never forget our impromptu dates at random hour like 2am, to do something for the cheap thrill, just to feel as if we are 16 again. The endless songs we sing while we are in the car. Rapping and singing songs while we walk the streets of Hong Kong at 1am and got lost. Rowing as fast as we can in our kayaks when the rain was just a few metres behind us and getting caught in the thunderstorm in the end. Swimming in our Phuket Yacht Hotel gigantic bathtub and always ending up in an arguement when you try to teach me how to swim. (Sigh, I’m always the bad guy… Ooopss)
The list can go on and on and on and ON….. You’re always thinking for me before you even think for yourself. I’m so blessed for such a man in my life. (Or are there even such men outside like that?!) WHAT on earth was I even thinking the past few weeks?! Such thoughts should be banished from my dictionary!
Let all those thoughts begone. After typing all that down, I feel so much in love with the snorlex beside me. Haha. I’m sorry if this entry gotten too mushy chubby lovey dovey. Not all the time okayyyy. Gotta give my Sailorboy some air-time. He deserves it! ❤ you baby!
And so, the saying goes… “Surround yourself with people who believe in your dreams”.
I have learnt the people around you plays a part. We should not let what others say affect us. Love isn’t about having outsiders accept your relationship. But the influence from others does play a part, especially when you are at your lowest peak in life, weak and fragile… Little devils and angels will come surround you to see who wins the mind battle.
It’s safe to say, the angels won their bet on this cos’ I got the BEST and BIGGEST angel right next to me who constantly showers me with endless love, caring thoughts and always with wide open arms patiently waiting for me to lie inside.
It feels like Valentine’s day now! Haha. Well, start learning how to appreciate your love ones and not take them for granted. They are actually truly amazing and precious if you really sit down and stop your wild thoughts and start to think of them.
Love to all,
and to my friend M, your prince charming is already here but just waiting for the right hour to knock on your door and I’m really excited for you. Can’t wait for the day I can be your bridesmaid and your future kids, God mommy! (; God planned our lives and y’know good things never come so easily. You have to wait and patience will get you great reward!
Oh, and I’ll never forget to remind myself that “The grass is greener where you water it!”