30.7.13 / the one who cares less, hurts most

Nagano-Toyokazu-32

have you ever wished you could restart your life as anybody else but yourself because you know you suck? not talking about low-self esteem issues, but a fact that you really suck. your character, your thoughts, your personality.

many of you don’t know me, but just read my blog and try to know me from there. how i write reflects part of me, or more of the inner me. the things in my train of thoughts in my mind are reflected in my writing persona but how i behave outside and socialize or bring myself out in reality is different. you know, the mind and reality don’t go well sometimes.

found this article, i am amazed and in love with how this person manage to describe me in words. i’m always lost for words when it comes to explaining/describing my true/inner self.

for those who don’t know me, you can read for fun or maybe get to know me through this little thought-ologue. for those of you who know me, you may really know me if you agree with whatever that is in the article below. if you don’t know all that, now you know me (:

x

The One Who Cares Less

I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.

But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.

What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.

When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.

x

true?

everyday i’m living in constant fear. i have a poker face. i like to appear strong infront of many and even when i’m alone, i push all the fearful thoughts away. my greatest (and worst) solution to all my problems is run. escape. run.

i was just thinking last night, if i have a kid, i know what i will do and what i wouldn’t do based on my own life and watching other people’s lives. as a kid, i grew up with many fear. yes, i do have typical fear like cockroaches, lizards and whatsoever. but i’m not referring to that. i am talking about big fear. phobia. these constant fear that occurs out of the blue and haunts you so badly that it will leave you to feel your skin against your shivering cold bones. that fear.

i do have a few of that major haunts that i wished would go away. i thought they went away already, being 23, i should be old enough to not be fearful of such child phobia. i surprise myself all the time.

do you know how it feels like to shiver down your spine, your bones and when your inner muscles go weak, you feel so vunerable and insecure like when you were 8, and you just wished your mom was there like before, hugging you, putting her hand on your heart, hugging you so tight and telling you “shh… it’s okay. everything is okay”?

Advertisements

2 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s