Nobody know what it is like to go through what I am going through now.
To juggle with so many (ridiculously f*) things at one time:
1. Grandpa in hospital
2. Family home issues (the most ridiculous and redundant I feel)
On top of that, juggle my work & school. Wow. Just when I thought I had the most to handle when I was still in school last year. THIS time, this is some real shit, I say.
I have learnt a lot from various friends I have made (or God have dropped for me to teach me a thing or two) and it made me renew my mindset to see things in many different ways.
1. Fear does not exist.
2. Fear is self-created.
3. I am stronger than strong.
Through such experience of mine, I have also derived something. DO NOT get married if you aren’t sure. Your honeymoon with each other won’t last forever and the trust you have now, may become sour one day. But do you know who suffer IF all these falls apart? Not you or your husband but your kids. Your poor innocent kids get the blow. Big blow. They get wrecked and traumatised childhood, they envy their friends with their happy families, they question “why me?”, they get blamed for no bloody reason, they cry at night to their own pillows or hide behind the door hugging themselves in fear, they get anxiety attacks often when they grow up, they don’t know what it is like to have happy parents and to be a happy child because you are only a child once.
I am not saying marriage is bad. In fact, we should all get married! Everyone deserves to be happy and love their partners. What I am saying is, you never know what is gonna happen next time. Maybe you can be married anyhow you like, but DON’T have a kid without proper thinking and planning – The best would be if you are planning for a kid, plan for “what if both of us don’t work out, how do you want to settle it with our kid in consideration”. Be mature adults and grow up to make mature decisions and discussion.
If only all adults can be like that. Maybe my parent’s generation aren’t tuned to such open discussion then. Hence, my brother and I have to suffer. It’s good my brother is in the army. I will be the only one taking the blow now. And this week is the start of war. It’s the start of another “story of my life” to share to my grandchildren next time.
When I was 17, that was the first year and since then, I let fear eat me alive. I have grown fearful since then. Everything was nothing but fear to me. Even till now at age 24, loud noises and loud voices makes me jump and feel anxious. I still get anxiety attacks on random mornings even as I am just finding clothes to wear to go to work. When I worry about something, I always hallucinate about the worst case scenerio and that would trigger an anxiety attack too. Whenever the fear comes to eat me, I like to hide in the corner of anywhere, hug my legs and my body tightly close together and I would shiver and hyper-ventilate. Then I would slowly feel my energy being sucked dry and slowly drift into deep sleep.
That has been my life ever since an adult or maybe two adults decided not to be mature adults and settle things like what normal mature humans would do. Of course, I may sound biased as I am… but I still think it is both adult’s fault because it takes 2 hands to clap. One behaves and talks like a barbarian. The other that I am biased to, has a built of tinkerbell and strength of a mouse. But still, our mouths are the biggest weapon & can be the biggest helpful tool to get us out of shit; BUT they choose not to use the simplest cheapest easiest God-made gift we have. Just sit down, open the mouth and speak.
Oh, that’s when another object comes into place. Money. MONEY money MONEY money, MONEY!
What is with this world and MONEY?! Does everyone know we are living like slaves for the sake of money? Who is Money and why does it have the power to control us and make us so small? Money isn’t evil btw. The saying “Money is the root to all evil” – Bullshit. It is the HUMAN behind the MONEY that is evil if they choose to be. Why do people fight over money? Because they choose to do so.
If I had money now, I can solve SO MANY fucking good things now AND for very very good god damn intentions too. I can help make many lives (and I’m not just blabbering but I already have a perfect numbers and faces in my mind) feel at ease and comforted. But you know what? It is always the good people that die first, and are the poorest. No, I choose not to let money control me. If I had the money, I could just throw the money at someone’s face now to settle the damn problem and let everyone go their separate happier ways.
What’s worst is now they have thrown their problem and game to my table, besides having to play their cards for them… I am struggling to even cope with my job. I have to make my own money too! But no, it is a fight between time & money. I got to give time to more important things such as family and lives VS money.
See, it is possible that money DON’T have to be the center and focus of your lives. So wake up!
I don’t even serve the military but I feel like I am fighting my own mini-war at home. Watching self-defence videos, pumping my body at the gym…. what a life. Whining are for losers, but I am just ranting and talking so that makes me human right?
Whatever it is, at the end of these ‘home war’,
I will have a good story to tell for the rest of my lives. Because I believe I will come out stronger and better.
time to fight my war now, warrior.