so…. i’ve been mugging. lifeless mugging. brainless sometimes.
(ohhh i hope you guys like this new layout. please lemme know if this works better for you!)
but i feel that i’m most unproductive this semester and i feel like i don’t know what went on the whole semester. W told me that’s what i said every semester when exams are approaching…… but this semester is exceptionally insecure. (well, he said, yup that’s what i said too) nonono, but THIS semester is really the scariest.
sigh. i hate exams. i hate university. i hate hate hate. but then, when i was finding internship for editorial, suddenly got really scared to actually go out to the working world and work! oh my goodness, what have i been doing my whole life? i haven’t actually tried a real job yet. YET. i’m still stuck in my hermit crab shell, in my comfort homely zone with nice bosses and nice privileges. no yelling, no screaming, no shit in my face yet. i’m actually still a kid.
i think there are some people (hopefully) who knows how i feel? i’m so caged up and all i do is things im comfortable with. i haven’t had deadlines to meet at work, i can slack when i feel the monday blues and i work hard on days when i have my energy bar.
these are my comfort zone. these people, this place, this job. i love my job. i love writing. i love selling things i believe is good. (psst, i love my dress hehe)
kids are my comfort zone too. it may not be easy to teach them, but i am comfortable in that uneasiness. at the end of the day, i am comfortable.
i’m so comfortable taking photos at work and writing them. though i wished i had more subjects to help me “model” instead of my boring face. people will get bored of it. but this is my comfort zone too.
sigh. i’m so so happy in my little hole but i have not much time left. i am gonna graduate at the end of this year and find myself in possibly shitty (? or not) holes next year at this time. aye. i am scarrrreeeeedddddd……………. never seen myself so coward before. but i know the real world kills and tortures.
i pray for good bosses, good colleagues, good work, good work-life balance – and i always prayed for being able to do things which i’m passionate about.
but how many people can actually have a career they are passionate about? 0.001%. everyone always comes to a conclusion – “no choice… i need to earn a living.” or maybe, “money VS passion….. money. i’ve got a family and future to build.” honestly, i’m so so sick of that! I h8 the thought of dreading to work, knowing you h8 your job, h8 your boss and hate your decision to stay in the company. why can’t we all be happy?
sigh. now i hate my current study in university. it is NOT what i want and i have no room for regretting.
and besides my own life’s turmoil, the world is in one of the messiest state so far! look at boston, when everyone thought it was finally resolved…. we find out how the FBI and government and media actually tricked us into believing all that drama. i even watched the LIVE manhunt that night and thought, wow i am a secret agent myself (living a kids fantasy) and when i see the photos and read up more on other world news, damn. propaganda is true. this world is too messed up for anyone to believe anything you read on the internet especially. and for me, if you know me personally, you know how much i am actually attached to the social network, media and the internet. i am one of the kids that is hooked to the modern devices and prolly might suffer w/o it. technology these days are so easy to grab hold of, and you can get news in a blink of an eye – *bomb exploded* snap photo, mass send to facebook, twitter, instagram and in a minute, your photo will be everywhere on social media. that is how scary it is. life can change in a second, reputation tarnishes and yet, we still have MANY HIDDEN news and happenings elsewhere in the world which we do not know of because of how blinded we are on the internet / or brainwashed i would say. sigh. it is a messed up world, as if i’m not messed up enough.
“when i grow up, i wanna be my own boss.” – Victoria Lim.
hahaha alright, back to studying. miss me on my space ya? i’ll be back!
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x lots of love