hopes

High hopes

But I’ve got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around

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Kodaline, High Hopes, speak too much about my life trials and secrets.

Being brought up in a convent all-girls school for 11 years has taught me how hopeful I can be for myself and for the world. Life lessons about how there are bad people out there, but also many nice people around. There is always hope placed in everything and anything. I am always a hopeful child.

Some call it, naive. Others, just call it high hopes or in my own world.

Don’t take negativity in that. I learn life the hard way now but it’s all worth it. I am still enjoying the life lessons through experience but definitely remaining hopeful. As always.

Whenever failure happens, don’t let it bring you down. Instead, be hopeful for the better things that might happen after. There are always infinite possibilities, don’t rule out success as one of it.

25.04.13 / what makes you?

a picture speaks a thousand words…. haha but its ok. i laugh at it now cos’ i’m so old and i know i matter to others (:

do you believe that your childhood define the future you?

did some children experience a trauma at home which led them to take drugs? did some kids witness their parents fight and hurt each other which led them to join gangs to replace their insecurity and feel “stronger”? did those bombers have a memory of when they were a child, listening to their parents “hate-talk” for the country? did those who start to sniff glue due to child negligence? why do kids steal; to seek attention from their parents or do they just feel that nobody care about them?

yes i do believe that our childhood affects who we are today when we are 18, 20, 30 and even 50 years old. however, i believe that it is not full influence on a person and it differs, depending on how strong a person’s willpower is and if they learnt the right values when they were young.

having more exposure with kids now at work and at W’s house, i think i learnt so much more about kids and even myself, which goes a long long way down memory lane. i am who i am now because of my growing up days. i believe in putting your kids in the right primary school. i wouldn’t say kindergarden matters, i mean yes, they need to be exposed to people and strangers… but for kindergarden stage, i believe the family at home plays a more important role than their teachers. it will be good if you can find a good kindergarden which teaches them good values to remember, then it is easier for them to pick off in the later stage. but the parents and family at home plays a bigger role of influence. why i say primary school must emphasize on the right value; from my own personal experience. i grew up in a mixed life…. i have the good and bad sides of life. however, when i was growing up and facing all these challenges in life, i realized i didn’t really struggle to know what is right and wrong. i didn’t have to fight to “not be bad” and i believe it started from my primary school days.

i love my school. it’s my roots and whenever someone ask me, i’d say i’m so proud to be an SACian. okay ignore the “lesbian hype” in secondary school, i’ll talk about that another time. but my primary school, they taught me everything. they taught me how to be thankful for people, food and where i am today. because it is a catholic school, we have thanksgiving and we say grace before/after our recess. let’s not look at it on a religious point of view. i’m not catholic but at that age, we wouldn’t be able to think “oh, this is catholic ritual…” no! i believe i thought “oh yes, we must be thankful that i got food to eat today and i am alive today if not i wouldn’t be able to eat my recess.” we also have other classes to emphasize and implant values into us so that it will grow as we grow and blossom into a beautiful person.

i had a broken side of me. in secondary school, we learn how to be mischievous and playful. we skip classes and we learn to lie. that is not part of our roots. we just get exposed to more things and we are curious. at that age, we are out to explore and have fun with friends. then not long later, unhappiness came into my family and that’s when my life and a big part of me change. it changed the way i see people, how i see situations and how i feel about people. everything happened too fast, but i can remember the events. that is how i developed so much hate, detest, despise and fear in me. no, i didn’t turn into gangs to make me appear stronger. i depended on myself, i had to make myself stronger to protect myself despite how scared i feel inside. it still happens now, today, and whenever it happens, i am shaking inside. my hands and legs are shaking and my eyes filled with tears, but i can only clench my fist and punch the wall. it is a snowball effect each time.

it has nothing to do with my roots. that is why i say, childhood plays 50/50 part in our lives. if there are no major events that happen along your life, maybe your values or whatever you took from your childhood will play a bigger part. but if you had something that hit your smooth road, then maybe i can relate a lot to your situation. i hate myself sometimes. i hate how i become so judgmental. how i fear loud noises so badly; the first time i stayed at W’s house.. i was startled a few times when i heard loud conversations outside which sounded like arguments at my own home (though it is just plain friendly conversations) and i do jump sometimes till now. that was what i took with me from my broken childhood. i grew up to despise men…. but it was a miracle how W changed me, how we even got together when i was trapped in my own “girl world” – for those who know my past, you know what i’m talking about. i never knew what family was, everything was so messed up until i met W and lived with him. “wow, so this is what a family is…..” – that’s what i thought to myself the first family dinner i had with them. i felt happy yet sad, to know i will never get this with my own family but happy to actually be able to “relive” this. it was like dejavu, i had a happy family before. it is existence in my memory but faded.

this was my 3 years old birthday. i loved birthdays then.

if you’re wondering why they are pointing, my grandma and relatives loved to tease me when i was younger. they love to point at the wall and say “eh got lizard!” haha and look at how scared i looked! i hate such creatures, it never dies till now. haha. 

it was so happening… i invited all my relatives. my mom and grandma will be so busy in the kitchen, preparing a feast! my relatives will come, i had a place where i put all my presents – i loved presents, but i haven’t receive them recently… maybe its the age. my cousins and i will be playing, my dad and uncle will be busy blowing balloons to decorate the place. i didn’t need no expensive lighting or decorations. just two or three balloons and i was so happy.

my relatives aka guests. and thats my very cute brother in yellow and the same old over-protective sister. haha. always grabbing him so hard till his shirt folds up and he looks so uncomfortable.

my very very close relatives. check out the feast and presents!

my closest aunt (she’d kill me if she knew i posted this but i love her) and this photo is funny. show you guys one more before i explain.

(hahahaha i know) idk what made they do that, but they always made me tickle my armpit and take photo of my reaction. i have no idea why i listened and agreed to tickle my own pits…. hahaha but it’s really funny when i look at the photos now. oh and i rmb this outfit i’m wearing isn’t my favourite…. cos it’s so uncomfortable with those beads. point noted for my future kid, or maybe fashion might overrule ha.

my presents den! yay i was so happy although everything i open was the same – soft toy. i think it was the “trendy toy” for girls at that time. haha i kept every single one of them.

which led to this. i loved them.

yay so happy cutting my cake, with a bowl of red eggs and my fav vanhouten chocolates beside me and my towering parents who once look over me, protected me and loved me. but now, i don’t look forward to birthdays, i don’t feel this happy feeling when i cut the cake anymore.

a picture speaks a thousand words. bliss.

now that is family happiness to me. i haven’t felt it at home for at least 10 years now… but ever since i met W, i feel it every single day i am at his house. it’s a blessing, really. i count my blessings everyday when i’m there. i can really relate to W’s niece, little sarah. she is happy everyday and only cries on her “pms” days when she wakes up after a long afternoon nap or when she gets rejected when she wants to eat her potato chips. other than that, she and the other kids are happy. i see the ‘me’ in sarah when i was younger, she reminds me so much of me…

my little bicycle i used to ride around the house to “sell things” or “do deliveries”

this expression is priceless. money can’t buy happiness.

hollywood and my famous over-used flamingo pose

the bond with my brother was since he was born and till now, it didn’t change. we can talk about any freaking thing under the sun. note: the overprotective sister holding my brother too tight again haha!

*hugged too tight, yet again* and my brother expression only says “oh pleaaaaseee… not again….” :p

maybe you reach a certain point of your life, like me when i’m 23, to realize i can’t let my fear define me. no, i haven’t got over all that… it seems like it is living inside me. but yea, i wouldn’t let it affect how i wanna grow up to be. the picture of a fine, young, successful lady has always been a dream since i was in primary school – that is who i wanna be. scars, bruises, battled and stronger. nothing to be embarrassed of… everyone has their story to tell.

and the only way to be stronger, is to move on. i’m on the way there (:

i hope my story kinda makes some of you not feel “alone”. well, i do feel “alone” in this sometimes but i guess i just felt like i should rant it out and write about it, that’s how it makes me feel relieved and better….. you should try your own way too. we can’t be sad for too long (:

God bless my family and all my readers! lots of love.

x

16.11.12 / mission size-me-down

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day 1 of vicky’s size-me-down-for-kaching…. is over!

I’ve been feeling nothing good this month. nothing but stress, helpless and useless. partly are my finances, no more sunny days but rainy days are here. i’ve decided to start my own savings account. well, this can’t contribute to any house/wedding fund but its the least I can do to keep myself going without allowance (yea the day has come… i quit taking allowance from my parents due to some personal reasons) honestly i think it’s harder for me to study full-time and try to support my bills and necessity by working part-time when my job only gives me 2 days/week max. for some, studying part-time and working a full-time job is easier. i have too much on my mind that i do not know what’s the right thing to do.

i was excited for november. was. now I feel that there is actually nothing exciting at all. birthday was nothing great (thou I rly appreciate W for the nice staycation at studio m!!) we were planning for a holiday trip to taiwan or hk but i think i don’t wanna go for any, now with all that financial burden.. i wouldnt be able to enjoy & shop with a peace of mind. i’m suffocating. it’s disgusting.

was sorting out my finances and wondering where all of them went to… ok I do shop once in awhile when I feel sad and need a perk-me-up. i mean, i’m a girl so that’s normal right? so sacrifices are sacrifices. i’m gna quit shopping for a month or two, till 2013 and see how my finances go. but i don’t shop excessively so where else did my money run to? food.

my best friend, comforter, cheer-me-up, perkmetoo, my happy pill, myevery1hour……. (the list goes on) yes, food is my everything. i spend a lot on eating and i can’t stop eating that’s why. when I’m sad, i eat. happy, eat. angry, eat. stress, eat. sleepy, eat. bored, eat. nothing to do, eat. eat, eat, eat! all I do is, eat.

so the reason I call it size-me-down-for-kaching is simply, to cut down on my food expenses in order to have more grass for me to water. no, its not a diet plan. i still eat, but i eat lesser (only feast at home!) at the same time, it might do me good in shedding some pounds. this is a challenge. i was dying of temptation to buy some food or a meal at work today, and ended up giving in to temptation at the last hour, for a $1.20 bread ice cream when the motorcycle ice cream uncle drove along haji lane. sigh. I finally understand why some people save on the small pennies when it is claimed foolish: cos’ they do not even have pounds to save on.

tomorrow is day 2, keeping my fingers crossed. so hungry just thinking about tomorrow already. so, I quit shopping + snacking… that’s like the end of my world. i have to forsake parties on some occasion and miss all the fun… i’m not even adding partying to my list. (what has my world become?!?!!!) my only greatest cash value left is a $1000 note that my dad left me to pay off my driving lessons. can’t use it, i GOTTA take my license ASAP!

sigh sigh sigh. i hate my life now. it feels like primary school all over again when I was so happy to find 10cents on the floor cos i can buy one fish ball on a tooth pick; cos im known as ‘bread-queen’ back then when i only have bread to eat during recess when everybody else gets to drink hot soup on a cold rainy day. in secondary school, i save up on my recess just so that i can have fun with my friends after school and take neoprints or watch a chick flick.

de jà vu indeed. it’s alright, i can do this!
i can do this cos God says there ain’t no rock He can’t move.
I pray God hears my prayers and help me carry this 98742467kg rock. nope, it shouldn’t be heavy cos there is a number to it. it isn’t infinity. heads up, vicky!

    amen.