life

Stickwityou

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it’s been a long long week and finally it’s a brand new week again. well, last week wasn’t like any other week. it was the start of another phase of my life where i try to juggle work and family together and itchy butt me decided to include fitness goals too. yesterday after my metcon sesh, my body finally surrendered and pulled out the white flag. but i must say, i felt really accomplished πŸ™‚

everyday has been babysitting cody + protecting my family, besides that i try to make appointments for work here and there and visiting grandpa was most memorable this week; he held my hand really tight and he responded with little signs when i spoke to him. he even looked at me when the nurse was changing his tubes and i was peeping at the corner of the curtains. my grandpa’s a fighter and the doctor is amazed how he managed to pull through. i’m so proud of him and i hope he hurry gain conscious so i can tell him my jokes and tell him how handsome he is like old times…

another great achievement, i started my first conditioning class 2 weeks ago and managed to conquer another sesh of extreme conditioning. it was sure extreme for my 60-year-old body… but i felt so good and determined to conquer even more. y0u know this nervousness i always get before a fitness training, because i know what to expect. because i am anticipating that i will reach the peak point where i will start thinking “i feel like dying and why the hell am i here…..” and hence it gets me really nervous and butterflies all in my tummy. but there is so much more inside me that pushes me to go for it despite all that. i don’t know what is it yet, but one day i will know. i always manage to push myself to go for it despite knowing i feel like death half way through the sesh.

and one more exciting achievement i always wanted to do in my life – MMA!!!

i have been watching UFC and all the ONE championship fights. well, i never ever thought i would ever try this sport out. i’m a ball team player, don’t think i am a combat sports player but i decided to give it a try. MMA class last friday was wrestling and daymnnnn at the beginning i was so angry when we had to do plank jumps because of my stupid long nails, they almost pierce into my palms and i was about to throw a girl-tantrum. however as we progressed further in the class, learnt how to break fall (which i never learnt in rugby cos i always throw my body loosely on the field without thinking) and it was quite interesting. the best part was the last part when we learn how to take down our partners. i was the only female in the class, partnering W, well he did give me easy way down and the coach realized he was just giving it to me easy (and i thought i genuinely took him down myself -.-) and on my part i was resisting his attack pretty well with my thunderous thighs. so when he put up a stronger defence, i was super satisfied when i managed to take him down with my own strength and whatever technique i learnt. *tick off my life list* so accomplished!

W did well too. he swing me down and when i was being carried off, i loved it when my hair was swinging in the air. that’s a kiddo moment when i felt i was spinning in one of the playground toys. next morning, woke up with crazy body aches and soreness of my ribs. lovin’ the soreness because i know i’m bringing my body to the next level.

i have new personal fitness goals. not gonna say exactly what but i’m definitely working on it πŸ™‚

life has been taking a toil on me for 8 years. however, i have been avoiding it or rather, trying to escape and ignore. now that i am 24, i find it coming back again. there is no way i can escape from it and i should really face it like an adult now. i must say, it is really really very very taxing and hard on me. i don’t know how to cope and handle, i don’t know how i should react but i must say i am very blessed with having very nice people around me who gives me great support and encouragement. i don’t think i can remain this strong or even be stronger than who i was without such great people around me. my loved ones, friends and support from colleagues. i am more than thankful.

it is because of such support, that can help anyone in times of hardship to go further and hang in there a little longer.

x

ima soldier, just a girl soldier fighting her own man war.

Nobody know what it is like to go through what I am going through now.

To juggle with so many (ridiculously f*) things at one time:

1. Grandpa in hospital
2. Family home issues (the most ridiculous and redundant I feel)

On top of that, juggle my work & school. Wow. Just when I thought I had the most to handle when I was still in school last year. THIS time, this is some real shit, I say.

I have learnt a lot from various friends I have made (or God have dropped for me to teach me a thing or two) and it made me renew my mindset to see things in many different ways.

 

1. Fear does not exist.

2. Fear is self-created.

3. I am stronger than strong.

Through such experience of mine, I have also derived something. DO NOT get married if you aren’t sure. Your honeymoon with each other won’t last forever and the trust you have now, may become sour one day. But do you know who suffer IF all these falls apart? Not you or your husband but your kids. Your poor innocent kids get the blow. Big blow. They get wrecked and traumatised childhood, they envy their friends with their happy families, they question “why me?”, they get blamed for no bloody reason, they cry at night to their own pillows or hide behind the door hugging themselves in fear, they get anxiety attacks often when they grow up, they don’t know what it is like to have happy parents and to be a happy child because you are only a child once.

I am not saying marriage is bad. In fact, we should all get married! Everyone deserves to be happy and love their partners. What I am saying is, you never know what is gonna happen next time. Maybe you can be married anyhow you like, but DON’T have a kid without proper thinking and planning – The best would be if you are planning for a kid, plan for “what if both of us don’t work out, how do you want to settle it with our kid in consideration”. Be mature adults and grow up to make mature decisions and discussion.

If only all adults can be like that. Maybe my parent’s generation aren’t tuned to such open discussion then. Hence, my brother and I have to suffer. It’s good my brother is in the army. I will be the only one taking the blow now. And this week is the start of war. It’s the start of another “story of my life” to share to my grandchildren next time.

When I was 17, that was the first year and since then, I let fear eat me alive. I have grown fearful since then. Everything was nothing but fear to me. Even till now at age 24, loud noises and loud voices makes me jump and feel anxious. I still get anxiety attacks on random mornings even as I am just finding clothes to wear to go to work. When I worry about something, I always hallucinate about the worst case scenerio and that would trigger an anxiety attack too. Whenever the fear comes to eat me, I like to hide in the corner of anywhere, hug my legs and my body tightly close together and I would shiver and hyper-ventilate. Then I would slowly feel my energy being sucked dry and slowly drift into deep sleep.

That has been my life ever since an adult or maybe two adults decided not to be mature adults and settle things like what normal mature humans would do. Of course, I may sound biased as I am… but I still think it is both adult’s fault because it takes 2 hands to clap. One behaves and talks like a barbarian. The other that I am biased to, has a built of tinkerbell and strength of a mouse. But still, our mouths are the biggest weapon & can be the biggest helpful tool to get us out of shit; BUT they choose not to use the simplest cheapest easiest God-made gift we have. Just sit down, open the mouth and speak.

Oh, that’s when another object comes into place. Money. MONEY money MONEY money, MONEY!

What is with this world and MONEY?! Does everyone know we are living like slaves for the sake of money? Who is Money and why does it have the power to control us and make us so small? Money isn’t evil btw. The saying “Money is the root to all evil” – Bullshit. It is the HUMAN behind the MONEY that is evil if they choose to be. Why do people fight over money? Because they choose to do so.

If I had money now, I can solve SO MANY fucking good things now AND for very very good god damn intentions too. I can help make many lives (and I’m not just blabbering but I already have a perfect numbers and faces in my mind) feel at ease and comforted. But you know what? It is always the good people that die first, and are the poorest. No, I choose not to let money control me. If I had the money, I could just throw the money at someone’s face now to settle the damn problem and let everyone go their separate happier ways.

What’s worst is now they have thrown their problem and game to my table, besides having to play their cards for them… I am struggling to even cope with my job. I have to make my own money too! But no, it is a fight between time & money. I got to give time to more important things such as family and lives VS money.

See, it is possible that money DON’T have to be the center and focus of your lives. So wake up!

I don’t even serve the military but I feel like I am fighting my own mini-war at home. Watching self-defence videos, pumping my body at the gym…. what a life. Whining are for losers, but I am just ranting and talking so that makes me human right?

Whatever it is, at the end of these ‘home war’,
I will have a good story to tell for the rest of my lives. Because I believe I will come out stronger and better.

time to fight my war now, warrior.

x

Grandpa

It has been a very very intense week.

 

I have learnt so much this week. Life lessons.

I mean, have you always attended funerals of someone not close to you (or maybe a friend’s family member) and stood there wondering how is it to lose someone close to you? Wondering how your friend feel about losing their relative? Wondering what is it like to have a family member gone forever?

 

I did.

 

I am always standing on the fence, trying to put myself in their shoes but it is hard to really feel and understand what they are going through. I’m there at the wake to be there emotionally for my friend and to say “Hey, I got you :)” besides that, I will never know what they are going through because I have never gone through this. Losing a family member physically forever.

However, this week taught me so much… I’m so overwhelmed. Life is terribly fragile.

Spent my week at the hospital, ICU ward. Bed 2. Where I watch grandpa lying there helplessly. It torn me apart. It breaks my heart and the flood gates gone loose. I hate going to hospitals. It is never a good thing. I avoid doctors even for myself. I am scared of them. It is always to find out something bad and nothing good.

So last Friday night, when I was about to embark on my late night Friday rituals, chilling on the couch, I received a call from my brother about my grandpa having a heart attack and they are trying to save him. I immediately broke down and cry and I was a mess. Without thinking, I left the house. There weren’t any particular thought I had in my mind but my grandpa – is he gonna make it? What happened? Are they saving him now? What are they doing to him now? Is my grandpa gonna see me again?

I just kept crying and crying…. and crying in the car. My heart was exploding. I wanted to teleport to the hospital to know what is going on right now. I was worried sake and worried is an understatement. The thought of losing someone forever… and yet, being helpless ; That kills.

Got to the hospital, my legs were weak. I wanted to lie down because I felt like my body can’t hold itself. I didn’t wanna cry infront of anyone, especially knowing what they are going through so I went to the toilet to prep myself. There wasn’t much to prep but just to cry my fears all out if there is a need to, if not, suck it back in. I sucked it in instead. Saw my family and my grandpa was in the resuscitation room. Then came another biggest fear I found: When the doctor comes out and says “Can we gather all your family members and go inside the room”.

Praise God! It was a miracle that my grandpa got his heartbeat back despite losing it for 15 minutes. Doctor said normally patients who lose their heartbeat more than 10 minutes, only 10% if lucky, will get their heartbeat back. My grandpa was the lucky 10 πŸ™‚ But then, going into the room only means telling us another heavy news and to make a decision. So we decided to send him to the ICU.

Days past, news came and go. Weekends were worrying because doctor said his organs were failing. Endless of prayers from my mom’s church friends, relative’s pastor, even my church friends came to pray for grandpa. I was very very appreciative of everyone coming to give support and prayers to my grandpa. He will be very happy to know so many people came and is rooting for him. I had nightmares on many nights about my grandpa… I wake up crying. I go to bed crying. I thought to myself: “Is this how it feels knowing you might lose a loved one forever?”

Losing a loved one – when we were younger. Dating, break-ups, flings.. it felt good then shitty, and we all thought that was the true meaning of losing someone. Terribly wrong. That was NOTHING. That was a waste of emotions deposited. That was just another door open for new beginnings, in a very good way. Whatever my family is going through now, isn’t any new door for new beginnings.

Memories started pouring in, when I bring friends to visit grandpa or whenever I’m alone thinking. Even now.
The times whenever I go visit my grandparents, I always talk to my grandpa like my good friend. The both of us had countless of jokes and teasing. He loves to joke and boast about his English. I remember the good old days when I come, he would listen to the radio which had his English lessons tapes playing. “Lesson 1: *ting!* I am a boy.” and I watched my grandpa recite after the tape, “I am a boy…” and he would ask me in cantonese, “eh vicky, I am a boy… is it me?”

He used to have 2 birds. His favourite was this minor bird. Black bird – Only in recent days where I learnt it was called a Hill Myna. Thanks to the museum. It was my grandpa’s best friend. This bird was special. Not only can it mimic bird sounds, it mimics human voice too. Because my grandpa talks to it everyday, the bird talks like my grandpa now. He laughs, coughs, “hellooo” like my grandpa. The laugh was classic. My grandpa has the most unique laughter ever. I take after him πŸ™‚ After many years, one day, the bird decides to run away from home. Flew out and never came back. My grandpa was devastated and he was so quiet and sad for those weeks. Then came a parrot he caught – but that parrot doesn’t even talk.

My grandpa is a fan of weights too. I have no idea what kind of workout he does, but his room has many weights and he has a strong body. He does some chinese martial arts when he was younger. He is a very independent man. He goes to the market alone, cooks for everyone at home. He is an ideal father ; A man who brings the bread home and not only that, but he toast the bread too.. making sure his children eats the best. I never have a dad I can look up too. But now as I look back, my grandpa is my dad whom I want my future husband to be like.

It’s the 7th day today in ICU. He didn’t open his eyes today, despite me stubbornly stroking his leg and tapping his arm. Calling him “gong gong” a 100th time… and trying to speak broken cantonese to him.

It was a different atmosphere at the ICU ward today. Bed 1 was intense… I have my utmost respect to the family. It was a boy in his 20s and doctor broke the news to the parents… if they want to pull the plug or not. Monks came to pray, everyone crying… I was emotionally drained out, just seeing the distraught in their eyes. The parents looked helpless and drained. I wished I could give them comfort. Or rather, I wished this world could give everyone comfort in return of losing a life of a loved one. It is a terribly tragic thing. What you are left with are memories. Memories are vague, they smoke through your mind but aren’t tangible. You wished you could feel it, yet you can’t.

It has been a very hard week. But since day 1 when I saw my grandpa in the ward, I told myself that I will not let out any other energy but ONLY positive energy. If I’m sad, smile it off πŸ™‚ If I feel like crying, laugh instead. If I feel like I’m giving way and giving in to my weakness, focus. Stare at a point and restart that energy from scratch. It has been working. I told W, I will visit my grandpa everyday and achieve one day without crying anymore. Then I know I have grown stronger. I am very glad I am almost there. I believe if you bring in good strong positive vibes, the patient can feel it too. The hospital don’t have to feel dreadful anymore πŸ™‚ especially for my grandpa since he hates seeing doctor.

Still praying for grandpa everyday. Holding his hands, letting him know that God is with him, so are all of us rooting for him. Oh, and Thank God for a VERY good news! Doctor said he doesn’t need kidney dialysis anymore because his kidney miraculously started functioning again and he is urinating as per normal.

God is real πŸ™‚ He is good.

It’s been long since I updated this space regularly. I feel refreshed and happy writing again. It brings me freedom and a sense of satisfaction.

Now, goodnight. Remember to treasure the time you spend with your loved ones. The words they say, the things they do… All, will come useful to memory πŸ™‚

X