motivation

Stickwityou

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it’s been a long long week and finally it’s a brand new week again. well, last week wasn’t like any other week. it was the start of another phase of my life where i try to juggle work and family together and itchy butt me decided to include fitness goals too. yesterday after my metcon sesh, my body finally surrendered and pulled out the white flag. but i must say, i felt really accomplished 🙂

everyday has been babysitting cody + protecting my family, besides that i try to make appointments for work here and there and visiting grandpa was most memorable this week; he held my hand really tight and he responded with little signs when i spoke to him. he even looked at me when the nurse was changing his tubes and i was peeping at the corner of the curtains. my grandpa’s a fighter and the doctor is amazed how he managed to pull through. i’m so proud of him and i hope he hurry gain conscious so i can tell him my jokes and tell him how handsome he is like old times…

another great achievement, i started my first conditioning class 2 weeks ago and managed to conquer another sesh of extreme conditioning. it was sure extreme for my 60-year-old body… but i felt so good and determined to conquer even more. y0u know this nervousness i always get before a fitness training, because i know what to expect. because i am anticipating that i will reach the peak point where i will start thinking “i feel like dying and why the hell am i here…..” and hence it gets me really nervous and butterflies all in my tummy. but there is so much more inside me that pushes me to go for it despite all that. i don’t know what is it yet, but one day i will know. i always manage to push myself to go for it despite knowing i feel like death half way through the sesh.

and one more exciting achievement i always wanted to do in my life – MMA!!!

i have been watching UFC and all the ONE championship fights. well, i never ever thought i would ever try this sport out. i’m a ball team player, don’t think i am a combat sports player but i decided to give it a try. MMA class last friday was wrestling and daymnnnn at the beginning i was so angry when we had to do plank jumps because of my stupid long nails, they almost pierce into my palms and i was about to throw a girl-tantrum. however as we progressed further in the class, learnt how to break fall (which i never learnt in rugby cos i always throw my body loosely on the field without thinking) and it was quite interesting. the best part was the last part when we learn how to take down our partners. i was the only female in the class, partnering W, well he did give me easy way down and the coach realized he was just giving it to me easy (and i thought i genuinely took him down myself -.-) and on my part i was resisting his attack pretty well with my thunderous thighs. so when he put up a stronger defence, i was super satisfied when i managed to take him down with my own strength and whatever technique i learnt. *tick off my life list* so accomplished!

W did well too. he swing me down and when i was being carried off, i loved it when my hair was swinging in the air. that’s a kiddo moment when i felt i was spinning in one of the playground toys. next morning, woke up with crazy body aches and soreness of my ribs. lovin’ the soreness because i know i’m bringing my body to the next level.

i have new personal fitness goals. not gonna say exactly what but i’m definitely working on it 🙂

life has been taking a toil on me for 8 years. however, i have been avoiding it or rather, trying to escape and ignore. now that i am 24, i find it coming back again. there is no way i can escape from it and i should really face it like an adult now. i must say, it is really really very very taxing and hard on me. i don’t know how to cope and handle, i don’t know how i should react but i must say i am very blessed with having very nice people around me who gives me great support and encouragement. i don’t think i can remain this strong or even be stronger than who i was without such great people around me. my loved ones, friends and support from colleagues. i am more than thankful.

it is because of such support, that can help anyone in times of hardship to go further and hang in there a little longer.

x

ima soldier, just a girl soldier fighting her own man war.

Nobody know what it is like to go through what I am going through now.

To juggle with so many (ridiculously f*) things at one time:

1. Grandpa in hospital
2. Family home issues (the most ridiculous and redundant I feel)

On top of that, juggle my work & school. Wow. Just when I thought I had the most to handle when I was still in school last year. THIS time, this is some real shit, I say.

I have learnt a lot from various friends I have made (or God have dropped for me to teach me a thing or two) and it made me renew my mindset to see things in many different ways.

 

1. Fear does not exist.

2. Fear is self-created.

3. I am stronger than strong.

Through such experience of mine, I have also derived something. DO NOT get married if you aren’t sure. Your honeymoon with each other won’t last forever and the trust you have now, may become sour one day. But do you know who suffer IF all these falls apart? Not you or your husband but your kids. Your poor innocent kids get the blow. Big blow. They get wrecked and traumatised childhood, they envy their friends with their happy families, they question “why me?”, they get blamed for no bloody reason, they cry at night to their own pillows or hide behind the door hugging themselves in fear, they get anxiety attacks often when they grow up, they don’t know what it is like to have happy parents and to be a happy child because you are only a child once.

I am not saying marriage is bad. In fact, we should all get married! Everyone deserves to be happy and love their partners. What I am saying is, you never know what is gonna happen next time. Maybe you can be married anyhow you like, but DON’T have a kid without proper thinking and planning – The best would be if you are planning for a kid, plan for “what if both of us don’t work out, how do you want to settle it with our kid in consideration”. Be mature adults and grow up to make mature decisions and discussion.

If only all adults can be like that. Maybe my parent’s generation aren’t tuned to such open discussion then. Hence, my brother and I have to suffer. It’s good my brother is in the army. I will be the only one taking the blow now. And this week is the start of war. It’s the start of another “story of my life” to share to my grandchildren next time.

When I was 17, that was the first year and since then, I let fear eat me alive. I have grown fearful since then. Everything was nothing but fear to me. Even till now at age 24, loud noises and loud voices makes me jump and feel anxious. I still get anxiety attacks on random mornings even as I am just finding clothes to wear to go to work. When I worry about something, I always hallucinate about the worst case scenerio and that would trigger an anxiety attack too. Whenever the fear comes to eat me, I like to hide in the corner of anywhere, hug my legs and my body tightly close together and I would shiver and hyper-ventilate. Then I would slowly feel my energy being sucked dry and slowly drift into deep sleep.

That has been my life ever since an adult or maybe two adults decided not to be mature adults and settle things like what normal mature humans would do. Of course, I may sound biased as I am… but I still think it is both adult’s fault because it takes 2 hands to clap. One behaves and talks like a barbarian. The other that I am biased to, has a built of tinkerbell and strength of a mouse. But still, our mouths are the biggest weapon & can be the biggest helpful tool to get us out of shit; BUT they choose not to use the simplest cheapest easiest God-made gift we have. Just sit down, open the mouth and speak.

Oh, that’s when another object comes into place. Money. MONEY money MONEY money, MONEY!

What is with this world and MONEY?! Does everyone know we are living like slaves for the sake of money? Who is Money and why does it have the power to control us and make us so small? Money isn’t evil btw. The saying “Money is the root to all evil” – Bullshit. It is the HUMAN behind the MONEY that is evil if they choose to be. Why do people fight over money? Because they choose to do so.

If I had money now, I can solve SO MANY fucking good things now AND for very very good god damn intentions too. I can help make many lives (and I’m not just blabbering but I already have a perfect numbers and faces in my mind) feel at ease and comforted. But you know what? It is always the good people that die first, and are the poorest. No, I choose not to let money control me. If I had the money, I could just throw the money at someone’s face now to settle the damn problem and let everyone go their separate happier ways.

What’s worst is now they have thrown their problem and game to my table, besides having to play their cards for them… I am struggling to even cope with my job. I have to make my own money too! But no, it is a fight between time & money. I got to give time to more important things such as family and lives VS money.

See, it is possible that money DON’T have to be the center and focus of your lives. So wake up!

I don’t even serve the military but I feel like I am fighting my own mini-war at home. Watching self-defence videos, pumping my body at the gym…. what a life. Whining are for losers, but I am just ranting and talking so that makes me human right?

Whatever it is, at the end of these ‘home war’,
I will have a good story to tell for the rest of my lives. Because I believe I will come out stronger and better.

time to fight my war now, warrior.

x